Passion, Pride and Poly – personal musings

I have sunshine in my head – and little me, my child space who usually creates the sunshine feeling is and was nowhere in sight. Maybe it was the laughing, the giggles and the fun, maybe release, dropping the guard and wrapping myself in someone. I have no idea, but I have sunshine in my head. In full Disney Technicolor!!

It’s hard to explain the sunshine in my head feeling, I’ve only had it after age play before until today. It’s like a really good day, like the day you find out that you got that job, or passed that exam, or the day you get engaged. It’s the feeling you get after a tickle fight, or a giggle fest mixed with the excitement for an up and coming event that you just can’t wait for.

To me it is an inner calm, which every now and then bursts into bubbling giggles in my chest, and a beaming grin on my face. It is noticing the green of the leaves, the feel of the sun, the sound of the ground under my feet as if they are all new to me. I notice how people look, or talk, the body language and how many people walk around with frowns. I wonder why they don’t find their own happy!

It’s innocent and pure and doubt free. Positive, optimistic and forgiving. Today though rather than feeling like I’m a bubble of candy floss pink, soft and squidgy and totally huggable, I am more scarlet heels, not screaming, not shiny, just there, whispering rather than shouting sexy.

I have come to the conclusion that my future….the new me….is a little; ‘Princess by day, Whore by night’!! *shakes head* Why do I get the feeling I should be less relaxed about that!

I have a burning desire for an over the knee spanking, a proper arse in the air, sex on show, blistering, stinging writhing and maybe even crying type spanking. With wetness open, to see, to probe, to mock even. I don’t know why, I’m not a fan of the whole schoolgirl thing but I love the intimate simplicity of being pinned over a knee, squirming against him and reminded that fancy kit is not necessary. It’s a power thing (surprise surprise)

I’m horny, but not in a self fulfilling ego way, not in a predatory way, which is unusual for me. Nope I’m horny for possession, for ownership, for objectification and for being a toy, a precious one, but a toy none the less. I’m hungry to give, to provide and to be used for his fulfilment, mine coming perhaps if I please but the point being that it’s his will not my own being played to.

I’m stepping dangerously close to quite a deep submissive space I think, which in many ways is the opposite to my general nature, yes I’m a giver, a nurturer and I aim to please but I am also proud and forceful in ways and generally like to be at least in the loop if not an equal or equal ish part of it.

Heaven forbid I skulk into the world of ‘this one……whatever pleases you……..if you wish’

Please take me outside and slap me hard until I regain my sense of identity if I start to sound like that. The line between ‘in your time’ and ‘whatever you want – I have no opinion’ seems a much shorter distance than I ever thought.

I never thought that I could ever utter the words ‘Master’ and mean them, seriously and sincerely. I’m not so sure about that fact now.

The slave role, or should I say the slave mind set always left me feeling a bit cold, always a bit detached, it was a nice idea but it would never be me, I’m just too wilful, too choice orientated, I am and I choose. It never fitted that the choice being taken away was anything close to a choice in it’s self.

 Plus it just seemed a bit pathetic if I’m honest, I can’t eat, sleep or breathe without my Master, I’m nothing without him screamed therapy territory and unhealthy dependence.

Much as my pride hates to admit it though there is a bit inside of me that understand the slave mind set, that instinctively feels it, every now and then something will pop into my head and I will be surprised, at the fact that there is so little of the big bad masochist in it. Something sordid or sweet or something that I feel as ‘privilege’ that I have no reason to feel that about. A certain ‘I’d like to earn that’ mind set that stops me in my tracks. – I have to remind myself that I don’t do Hierarchy – or do I?

If I ever described myself as sub, or was by anyone else, I was always very much the Alpha sub personality (laughs) so I’m really unsure where this little slave personality is coming from, dare I say maybe it really is about the right person being around, to trigger that, to focus it. I don’t know if it is just the space and freedom to feel that which has brought it forward. I am leaning reluctantly towards ‘its all about the person’ theory, only reluctantly because it screams of ‘when the student is ready…. This always made me sigh in frustration.

What I have realised is how many of my concerns around the ‘no say’ came down to trust. I know damn well what it feels like to be pushed, or plummeted out of my depth and held there, the sudden realisation of helplessness and not knowing if the partner knows how close to the edge of that cliff your toes are.

Those people who say that the only way to punish a Masochist is to give them nothing have obviously never felt the difference between ‘good pain’ and ‘bad pain’ they have never considered fears and self esteem and emotional connection that can be fucked with so easily in that space. That space is terrifying and it’s not nice, when people talk about submission they talk about the lovely safe structured comfortable even in uncomfortable positions space, but what about slave? Doesn’t that automatically move away from person to property? 

If I’m honest with myself I’m not sure what scares me more, being in a space where my word doesn’t matter, and having to trust that the numerous ways that my heart and head as well as the physical can be screwed with won’t really seriously hurt me, or trusting so completely that I don’t even consider that possibility.

The thing about when I think of this aspect within me is how ‘wollly’ it is, it’s a feeling that I can’t grasp, something that I feel from someone that I can’t name, a shift behind a curtain perhaps, something that I can’t rationalise, I can’t examine under my nice logical microscope, it’s all instinct and feeling – like air through my fingers. It can be so natural feeling, so easy, simple and free, just flowing, out of my conscious control.

The fear is; what if I’m wrong. That very same fear that we all had before we walked into this world, before we handed ourselves over to a top or Dominant, or before we took hold of a bottom or submissive – we all thought – what if I’m wrong and this is better in my head than it is in person. We all found out, we all took the step. To me, and I’m likely very misguided in this belief; Slave is like getting on a rollercoaster for the first time; you don’t get off till the ride ends, no matter how sick you feel in the middle!

Tonight I sit and cry. Tonight I feel the pain of the decisions that I have made. There are moments where I stop and think ‘what have I done’ not because I think it is wrong but because it is so huge. I have walked away from 10 years of history, I have closed the door on a future of marriage. I grieve for the future that I will not have, even as I know that a new one will be there. I grieve over the fairytale marriage that never was.  For the wife I am no more, the family that will never be again whole in the same way. Tonight I bleed from the wound that I inflicted on our lives.

The nurse today called him my ex husband, then I did ‘relationships’ on websites where there was a distinct lack of ‘married to..’, and there was a mention of missing rings, I just fell spectacularly apart. That’s ok, it’s allowed, healthy even but it really is like being hit by a brick in the chest.

Whenever I cry like this all I want is a parent, someone to scoop me into their arms and tell me that everything will be ok. Lie to me, I don’t care, just someone to say it’s ok, that I’ll heal, that here’s always tomorrow.

Everyone keeps telling me that I’m brave, am I? I guess I must be, I don’t feel brave, I feel terrified as often as I am liberated. I don’t want to be brave, I’m totally reinforcing my inability to cry in front of people because I’m so scared of losing more people, of being ‘work’, how ironic, when I left him, that I’m afraid of losing others, maybe that’s my karma.

I look back at the promise of us, at smiling wedding pictures and I wonder, what was it that I didn’t do, why couldn’t I fix it? How can people think I’m strong when I couldn’t make it work? Leaving is never easy and it should never be done unless you are absolutely sure but didn’t I just give up on my marriage. How is that a strong thing to do?

Now would be a really stupid time to say God I miss my mum, she always knew what to say, she made me believe in unconditional. Even with some family unconditional is rare, especially mine. How can I run to my mother in law when I just broke her son’s heart? I was appreciating hugs at the munch, enjoying a revival of the ‘big sister’ feeling, I am soothed by contact even though it makes me feel like crying all over again.

I know that today will pass and tomorrow will be different, maybe I deserve to hurt like this, my marriage deserves this pain to be here. It’s endless and echoing, another scar, another part of my heart battered. Will it leave a hole I wonder?

I have been through the grief over my mum, it’s taken 10 years but tonight I am listening to her favorite song, the song that expressed how we felt about each other, it was played at her funeral and I couldn’t listen to it for years, tonight it’s soothing me, tonight I know that if she could be she would be wrapping me in her arms and telling me that I’m a good person and it will be ok.

I know how to grieve, I hope to whatever higher power there is that it’s another 10 years before I have to go through it again in some other way, because I forgot how much it really tears at the very fabric of who we are.

I really just want to crawl under a rock, but I won’t. I will get up and go to work tomorrow, and remember that the world keeps spinning, and hour by hour, day by day we adapt.

My world isn’t ending it’s just changed abruptly.

Funny isn’t it how hauntingly beautiful Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah is when you really are crying a river, and I don’t find it depressing, I find it stunning.

I love that track.

I have been so far from blogging recently it’s crazy, not through lack of desire to write but life just shifted so absolutely I both got really busy and I didn’t want to spew into this or any other blog.

I will say about it; I have separated from my husband and I am now living on my own. Everyone is hurting and everyone is dealing with it so I won’t now, and possibly never will go into detail, it’s not anything that people need to hear. It was my choice, it was as amicable as it possibly could be but as I say, there is hurt and there will be for a while. So as someone I know so eloquently puts it ‘nuff said’ lol.

The strange thing about my situation (because I can talk endlessly about that) is the whole old me/new me thing that I have going on. I have all of the space to create the life and the person that I want, I am doing in bits, but you don’t just wake one morning and change skin. There are so many things that I don’t need to worry about, that I don’t have to consider and others that I now do. My head and heart are not transitioning very smoothly, or evenly. I find myself having shifted space but not really going through the mental lines, or still thinking of the responsibilities that are no longer mine on an everyday level. I’m not sure if that is because who I was, who I am, and who I will be are all pretty similar, or that I’m just a bit overwhelmed with the shift at the moment. Time will tell.

Emotionally I am ok most of the time, then I’m really not, or something shows me that I’m not really as OK as I thought. I must admit I struggle to release it. I have had no time or space to just be me, 2 days in 11, I love my friends and they have been amazing but I have been so busy with people I haven’t had much chance to just be. I wouldn’t change any of it though. It is nice to be taken care of and have people around me. I also had my 30^th in between! Officially grown up! – laughs I’m about to undo any grown up I had, I seriously am reverting away from responsibility at the moment, a rebound I guess-

I need to create a while new routine for myself, food, work, life, things I want to do, being able to do anything or nothing, it’s crazy. I have to get used to our family day being just one day, and building life around not being 40 mins from the city centre. I’m 20 mins from the station and from there I can go anywhere – If I ever get a free weekend that is LOL.

I also get to be ‘out and proud’ how scary, I mean kink wise I can have things out in my house, I can be openly (and actively) bisexual. It’s a lot for my head to take in. Scary new ground for me. No guide book, no roadmap, I’m winging it and feeling my way through. It’s mind blowing to think that the lines are now my own, I have no idea where most of my limits are and that is a scary place to venture through, grey just got darker, it’s all my responsibility. *blows out breath* ahhhhhhhhh. I’m like a kid in a sweet shop only some of them may be arsenic. – I don’t have to move any little bit away from where I am though so it’s only scary when I look at it as a whole.

Having said all of that and thinking about bisexuality, I have never been a ‘casual sex’ girl, I have never had a one night stand – I have nothing against it in principle but especially drunk and with a stranger sex is likely to be awful. So how active my active will end up is still very unknown. I simply cannot imagine myself walking into our local girl gay bar, I do it every month in Leeds at the munch bar but that’s full of guys and I happen to be the wrong gender for that. I guess I need to figure out exactly what I want before I put myself anywhere. One day I’ll go to Manchester and see if Canal street is worth a visit on a night, or find some clubs or something. I have no idea. How do you find a whole new scene at 30, what the fuck do I say? Still that’s a pressure that I don’t need to worry about anytime soon, what will be, will be.  I get to be slightly more open about things though, it’s not just an ‘in principle’ personal theory, one day people will realize that it’s not a fad or a phase. I really can’t see a ‘girl’ relationship happening though – girls are complicated, I’m far more comfortable around guys, so maybe I’ll just become more of a tart – from what I’ve been led to believe the ay scene are much better at  friends with benefits than usual but that may be total rubbish. I don’t want to feel 16 at 30 it’s a weird feeling to be ‘starting over’ as it were.

So what else is there, ahh yes I only have the net via wifi pubs, luckily there is one next door and one across the street, but I should have internet by June. Blogs may be on and off, as well as up and down but hey, it’s my space and I’m damn sure to abuse that a little.

Hopefully life will settle into a sort of rhythm soon and I can get back to blogging and catching up with people. Until then I’m still here, just busy and figuring out where the ground is shaky and where it’s solid. I’ll get there. I always do.

Apparently I should write this out, I’m not so good at blogging with a too tight subject so it will go astray but around the same subject.

Lets start with the basics. We are all made up of different parts, building blocks of our personality, they work together to make us who we are and we rarely question them or look at them as seperate, when we do we can unravel the bits but there is a danger I fear of an artificial seperation, after all they are all ‘me’ in various stages, with various triggers, stregths and weaknesses and they are all part of a whole. My building blocks include mother, wife, woman, worker, endless student, writer (in my head) as well as submissive, whore, bouncy masochist seeking surrender, and a little girl – there are likely more, there are likely stages between, I know there is a dark protector and feral need driven being in there, feeding desire, ambition, and strangely security, I know there is a spirituality from the old Catholic, through pagan and somewhere there is a pure being of light understanding the world, instincts without personality. I also know that there is a darker, angry, hostile aspect that as yet doesn’t have a face, or a name, or any seperation outside of safe, containment – likely a tenn since it fits.

I digress.

So lets look at little girl in this whole. My little is simple, she is a being of light, of purity, of enless, boundless love and affection, and trust and all that is good and cotton candy in this world. She is michief, but with an innocence that is quite spectacular. She loves her time with Daddy and milks it for every second and ounce of yum that she can, she is impatient but actually understanding, that she has to wait her turn.

So this visit, she didn’t get to play with Daddy, she played alone, and she liked it, she was ok just being in the space although she missed the closeness, she is very tactile and very physical in her understanding of the world.

Oh it is worth mentioning here for the reader that my little space has no experience of anything sexual within her Daddy relationship. It is also worth saying that her experience of what we would class as the erotic, arousal and sexual or fear responses are completely different to ‘adult’ processing of these feelings. Strangely she feels attraction/lust and fear very much on the same level and in a very similar way – I’ll come back to this.

So over the last few days I was enjoying a very much adult few hours, taking in the finer things in life (laughs) and letting go of myself in the process and it was noted that little me was kind of watching from the wings. I hadn’t noticed, and wasn’t aware of it until it was mentioned but of course I could feel her just a little. I’m more comfortable now feeling the difference between the ‘building blocks’ and it being part of the whole. So my little innocent angel was peeking, I would say she didn’t know what we were doing but I think that would be wrong, she didn’t care would be more true, all that she felt was interest at the feelings, se was drawn to ‘feeling good’ and the cause of that. Of course she has no knowledge of sexual lines, I thought she had no concept of sexual at all which was partly right but mostly she has no issues around bodies, and nakedness and touching, she actually has no ‘social conditioning’ of what is right/wrong, what is adult/appropriate, she simply feels good or not.

SO I obviously didn’t dwell on her being there, once I realised that she was OK I just let her be. Adult me enjoyed herself and little me stayed just feeling on the outside. She popped in, in litte bursts because she wanted attention but she didn’t know what to do, or how to act, She did however love the feeling – how do I explain this without taking forever in words.

*big breath*

OK so picture this, that moment where someones lips are so close to yours that you can feel the heat from their skin, their breath, almost taste them, think of the feelings, the tightness of chest as your breath catches, the muscles in your back tightening ready to push up, the stomach and internal tightning of arousal, the throbbing pulse of mental cliteral stimulation all from an erotic moment, as an adult your mind takes a million pictures and goes so many places with that moment and desire to possess or be posessed, to move forward is known, its felt. A touch, a breath all feel like that.

Little me, has nowhere to go with it, it’s all new, she doesn’t know what arousal is and isn’t mentally connected to ‘sex organs’ as that, it’s part of her body and she doesn’t know what it can do. She feels that moment like butterflies in her stomach, like an electric shock went straight from Daddy’s eyes to her tummy, instunctually she felt a shift in energy, she felt the sexual energy from him but registered it as excitement, like christmas morning. It feels strong and powerful to her, and it makes her feel good because she likes having butterfies in her tummy but she doesn’t know what to do with it, it is simply a moment.

As I said early she feels fear in the same way, or enough alike, in the few moment which my adult wouldn’t have registered but little me did, where Daddy was walking towards her, going to tickle, or maybe even just moving with the power and poise of a dominant male, and he looked at her, she had the same transfer from eyes to tummy and basically a fight or flight response, the urge to back away, to run away fighting with trust for her Daddy and liking the strange excited feeling. She wants to run to him, to the power and the feeling as much as she wants to hide under covers until it goes away.

Who knows what experience may or may not bring to little me but it’s interesting to know that her innocence isn’t tainted by feeling adult desires and emotions, it shouldn’t suprise me that my core draw to power is felt by her, and I like the idea of experiencing it all as new, shiny and with innocence, she isn’t afraid, she has no expectations. She doesn’t even desire it beyond how it makes her feel, she simply experiences it, that is quite a gift – maybe I could learn from her!

What a weekend. Exhausting, more exhausting than usual with the weirdest set-up I have had for a while, my father in law took me as his new waitress for the weekend, tea on tap, never perfect, – it’s amazing how many ways someone can be critical over a cup of tea! I became the staff, and of course I can’t argue, he is my father in law and he has Alzheimer’s. He did get worse over the weekend when he realised that I wouldn’t say no, and to my credit when he was complaining he never once wore the tea (laughs) It is funny how blinkered his idea of female roles can be, he wasn’t amused with me having a sense of humour – the same sense of humour that he would have laughed at if it were my husband saying it.

I’ll never be a 1950′s housewife, and of course he couldn’t understand that it was me laying or edging the floor (I’m a girl that’s just not possible) still its a good job I have much less pride to swallow than previously, more security and less pride means I can smile and just breeze on knowing in myself that its all good.
Add to that a sickness bug and a sick and stroppy teen and I didn’t get much of a holiday – my mother in law made a joke about me wrinkling my nose and just making it happen, like the woman from bewitched, witch made me smile. It saved her running around all weekend, which was the important bit.

It made me consider structure though. Living by someone else’s idea of correct. I have previously spoken a lot about submission, as one of those abstract concepts that I never really knew much about in reality. The bits I have built into my general life tend to be service based – the perfect hostess, I do however do that by choice, and reserve the right to make people get their own drinks, mainly in my house.

I have spent my entire adult life making my own rules and in my own way being the ‘head’ of the household, I say it that way because I organise, I maintain balance and make sure it all works – but the final say isn’t always mine.

I also have an in built concept of ‘fairness’ that growled a lot all weekend, my mother would have been proud of the feminist sentiments flaring in my head, treat me differently for a genuine reason such as me being new or still learning not simply because I’m a woman.

So I came to the conclusion that I am far too used to having things my own way, and making my own rules to happily follow a strong structure dictated by someone else, I think the condition on that would be unless I agreed with it – but that does defeat the object somewhat.

I’m such a free spirit I end up feeling stifled by a constant blockage of rules. I work in a very structured environment around the tools that we use and ways that we do things but I get to do things my own way within that, I structure my work and my day as long as I get it done. I guess for me, too much do this, do that, this way, with a swirl is like making a long distance runner do the hurdles, possible but the flow isn’t there.

I can do it though, as proved by this long weekend – totally different context but it’s nice to know that I am capable of being ‘that girl’ when needed. Maybe context changes things. I don’t know. It may be an interesting experience, but I’m not sure it’s really ‘me’.

I have said to my friends for a long time that I wanted to experience a 24/7 D/s for a period, I always said for a weekend, a close friend told me I would be bored – I think he is right I also think I would be frustrated by it, I think I will leave that idea on the shelf as an idea that I like better in my head!

I am positive that the fairytale idea will be better than the reality and I would end up blowing off steam somehow, even if it wasn’t at that point……although…perhaps that’s not a bad way to swing to my top side (laughs at self)

Perhaps it’s all about the personalities, I have been almost convinced that I could pull it off, it’s easy to see it as a high ideal when it’s something that was so ingrained into my early ideas, i’m not totally convinced that I’m just too S&M for the whole thing – it’s a mind set, a head space I guess and it’s not naturally mine.

Never say never though!

I lot of things over the last few weeks seem to have conspired to throw ideas of ‘adult’ into my child space. Now I’m far from Naïve and I knew very well that people play and experience the sexual and the darker through and within an age play dynamic, I wasn’t however expecting the conflict this caused with me as a whole rather than little me.  – I think I went just a little bit mamma bear protective over her.

Rewind to the conversations; two different things with different people, one around little girl experiencing and sharing sexual with her Daddy. The other around the Loita pre teen thing. Now personally I have no icky feelings around any of this, It doesn’t bother me, it doesn’t particularly make me uncomfortable.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am reading or hearing something from an adult, mainly because I spent may years within child protection training through my job which trains you to have giant alarm bells in your head with certain mentions or flags that come up, A very separate part of me has heard stories that would break your heart through working with domestic abuse and it is a case of being able to separate the real from the consenting adult world but also of re educating 10yrs of training to not flash neon warning signs 

Back within consenting adults; it’s a taboo feeling that does cause reaction in people but I kind of like that ‘this is a bit wrong’ feeling. I am happy for people to express and explore in a way that makes them happy and can see the beauty and darkness in that.

So why the reaction? Because my child doesn’t have a concept of ‘sexual’ she doesn’t see herself or daddy in a sexual way, as an adult woman under it all I physically react but as the girl I have no knowledge of that, afterwards I realise, afterwards I feel it, but within her space it is felt differently, with none of the adult understanding that we all develop eventually. That could be played with and that could be pushed because to her it is all love and attention but I think my mamma bear moment was to step in and I eventually realise that I don’t want to sexualise my inner child.

So I had a bit of an inner moment of being uncomfortable and not understanding why, because I know I’m fine with all of the stuff generally and I know I’m comfortable with my inner child space now, I couldn’t figure out why I felt nervous and out of place. I think the answer is around innocence and definitions of ‘sexual’. My little girl is so innocent, so giving, so eager to please and to be the centre of the world, but also so small at times and so vulnerable, there is purity, of feeling, of heart, of connection and of feel. She is also sensual, not in an adult way but in the way that she experiences her environment, tactile and expressive by touch, she loves contact.  I don’t want that innocence tainted by giving her ‘sexual’ knowledge.

Having figured that little nugget of information out in my head I feel better, I feel more secure, and I can accept and understand other peoples experiences without feeling defensive of my child because I know that she really doesn’t understand, I never would have believed before that it was possible to experience touch and physical closeness and intimate experiences as innocent, it really is all down to mind set and headspace and I believe in the candyfloss pink of my little girls world, she notices things that I would almost say were a bit adult, or at least strange for a child; like her candy pink being a contrast to daddy in black, but she feels a difference too, perhaps she is quite perceptive but I think that feel and that tiny glimpse of pull to the strength and power can and likely will be discussed separately.

Strangely that is less threatening to the innocence than the sexual seems – What can I say, I’m a odd girl but I like it.